Betrayal and Abandonment

being BETRAYED sucks big.
partly because you trusted the person and let them close enough to betray you
when there appears to be a pattern – you have to ask yourself, “why Me?”
for ME the answer is that I started it.
I BETRAYED ME FIRST

not caring for me first, not making me a priority
being silent when I should speak
settling for less when I should have demanded MORE
compromising… when I should have walked away

if I have issues with abandonment it is because I abandoned me first.
made do. made nice. kept up appearances…

well…
done and done

moram expergefactus. STAY WOKE

this is my fourth time.

making the appointments, counting the pills, tracking the benefits and services. copying the documents. talking to the doctors who insist on talking down to me…   a slow death march

it doesn’t get any easier.

I am sad and tired

a little angry

mostly sad

I am grateful that I am strong and stubborn and will never surrender.. to the sadness, the hopelessness

Anger grabs me and pulls me out of fear’s arms
hurling curses at the sadness
screaming at me to get up. reminding me who and what I am
“fuck the dumbshit”
“You are the wrong mutha fucka to fuck with”
BITCH GET UP!!  they dont know.

fear and hopelessness cringe and recede
leaving pity and sadness unprotected

I wish a mutha fuck would? I am not the one
you gonna make me loose my mind up in this dancery

the words become my own and I dry my tears…
I stand up straight and remembering who and what I am

I make another day my BITCH… cause I dont play that shit

who the fuck needs easy, anyway

DeeDIXON

10 things I do that make my LIFE EASY by Shanel Cooper-Sykes

I follow this Sister on Facebook. I saw this and had to share.11168879_10153006188471381_7165737784597485165_n

 Self care is self love is necessary.  so often we don’t do it. don’t make time and rituals for ourselves. taking care of everyone and everything else. I have found myself empty after filling up everyone else.  I know now that I have to stop and care for myself first. I am a Priority in my LIFE ❤  

Shanel Cooper-Sykes
LIFE is meant to be enjoyed. But you have to intentionally design your life to be able to experience that. Here are 10 things that I do that make my life super easy and enjoyable:

1⃣

I spend the first hour of my day in peace and in prayer. Before I touch the phone or begin my day, I spend time with God, talking planning visualizing and praying for the things I want to manifest in that day. I get in alignment FIRST before anything or anyone has an opportunity to move me.

2⃣

I keep my goals and plans in front of me. Directly next to my bed is a card with the current goals I am working towards and the plans that I have for myself. I read them and pray over them several times a day.

3⃣

I prepare my meals in advance. To prevent eating out or over indulging, I prep my meals for the week on Sunday. I cook, package and plan out what will go in my body for the week.

4⃣

I “reset” my mind nightly. I never go to bed with the day on my mind. I let go of my thoughts. I forgive moments that bothered or upset me. I send love and peace to those I love and to those who don’t love me. I say to myself “Shanel you did a good job today!” And I rest in peace.

5⃣

I keep candles lit and fresh flowers all around me all day. Energy and environment shape your ability to be creative and to think on a higher level.

6⃣

I always look good. I make sure my clothes are well put together, clean and crisp. Even if I’m wearing sweats, I’m well put together. I never leave out disheveled or just thrown together. It speaks volumes to the way you value yourself.

7⃣

I don’t force myself to follow a hard schedule. I let my days flow and let God move me. Because I’ve already written it and believe it… I trust my plans will manifest. No resistance. I go with the flow.

8⃣

I talk to myself constantly. I am ALWAYS in intentional inner conversation with myself. I tell myself how capable, amazing, valuable and needed I am. If I pass a mirror I say “hey gorgeous” if I need motivation, I go to a mirror and give myself a pep talk. If I am mad, I discuss my feelings with myself. The parts of my body I don’t like, I tell it “I love you and I’m going to make you better.” If I don’t get something, I ask the Holy Spirit to teach me. I make sure that I’m rehearsing in my mind what I want to see play out in my day.and I’m always SPEAKING OUT what I desire to see happen.

9⃣

I give A LOT. I over-give on a daily basis. If I stop to buy a juice or snack, I pay for two and leave the money at the register for the next customer. If I leave a tip at a restaurant I leave the full amount of what the bill is as a tip. If I get gas, I leave $20 extra for the next person. If someone asks me for a $1 on the street I give them $10. I send money to my family for no reason. I treat my friends to dinner and send them flowers and gifts. I believe HALF of your earnings should always be shared in someway with others. No matter how much you have. This principal has blessed ME in so many ways financially. I am never without because I give so freely. And it has PUSHED my financial limits and money mindset, so I don’t have limits on how much I can RECEIVE. If you go above and beyond to GIVE financially, God will go above and beyond to BLESS you financially.

🔟

I rest frequently. If my body is tired, I listen to it and rejuvenate myself. When I feel stressed or overworked, I stop without worry. Scripture says REST IN GODS PEACE. The spirit of God is IN ME. So my physical body has to be fueled enough to carry it. If my body needs something I supply it, because it must be my spirit that is calling for something so that I can give something greater. REST!! Rest in Gods peace often. You will have more energy then you can imagine.

See… EASY! 💋

SHARE with as many people as possible!  black woman in green field

My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truth

Iyanla Vanzant talks about her relationship with her mother being strained.
she later learned that her biological mother had died after her birth and that the mother she had been told was her mother was in fact her stepmother and father’s second wife.
She used the phase

“my soul was not ignorant”

that really stuck a nerve with me.
as a newborn I was given by my unmarried mother to her married and childless sister.

I WAS AND AM SO LOVED.11329822_10205592593607229_2191374268122518787_n
my mother and father treated me with unabridged love and adoration. I was their PrincessRoyal. my aunt loved me with wild unabashed abandon.

but my soul knew she was my mother and all my loving caregivers said she was not.

I began to distrust my intuition and instincts.

I was so clearly wrong and confused.

My soul said “there are lies here. Secrets”

my loving doting family said that was not true.

is it any wonder that I loved and tolerated so many liars
having been so loved and well cared for by liars.

so when he said he loved me… and my soul said “BULLSHIT”
i believed him and stayed in spite/despite every instinct in my body screamed for me to

Dee at SMU “run, don’t walk – RUN TO THE NEAREST EXIT
do not pass go and fuck that $200.00”

in the time since I learned about the lies, I have given a lot of thought to
my life and the
people and
things I give the
time of day.

‘friends’ have fallen away and lovers have been turned away

my view of the world, while constantly evolving has been shaken to its very foundations

I have sought forgiveness and given it – to my self, from myself
My Soul is not ignorant and my heart is broken

I am bloodied and unbowed.

and now I know a lie when I hear it.

and I don’t feel the need to distrust my instincts

and I don’t mourn bullshit and cherish sadness

and I don’t cling to things that are bad for/to me

My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truthWIN_20150127_172443

My Marvelous and imperfect SELF

this weekend has been a grounding and enlightening rollercoaster.
when you meditate on growth and change… it may not come in the form you expect. BUT IT WILL COME

so medical tests and a trip to the ER reminded me to take MUCH better care of
my BODY.
my MIND.
my SPIRIT.

As I grow and change my relationships are forced to change. (equal and opposite force equation)
some resist it.
others embrace it
some are terrified of it
and others intrigued.

I am reminded that everyone is on a path…
even if I don’t get it

I am reminded to always trust my
intuition
and follow my
instincts

I am so proud of my
lovely and
loving
children who rallied to care for me.

and I promise to keep the promise to live each day fully
embrace and embody my TRUTH
embrace and embody my PASSION
to not ingest the toxicity of others – even those I love
to take my PLEASURE seriously
to take my pain seriously
( I dont have to be strong all the time)

to reject lies and liars in all forms

to accept my imperfect and marvelous self

Serious Dee

Valentine’s Day for One

One of my good girlfriends asked me what I was doing for Valentine’s Day.

I told her about the care packages I was preparing for my children and getting started on my taxes.

She squinted I disbelief, “NO what are you going to DO for you for Valentine’s Day?kelly confused

She spoke slowly as if she thought it would help me understand.  It did.

I realized that I didn’t have any plans for myself for valentine’s Day.  So often as women we are caregivers to a houseful of people and not to ourselves.  I have slipped into that mindset but like they tell you on the plane, put the oxygen mask over your mouth then attend to children and others in your area.

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence,

it is self-preservation,

and that is an act of political warfare.”― Audre Lorde

So I sat out to have a plan to do for myself for Valentine’s Day.

What to do for Valentines when you are on your own.

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love.

I have always advocated that self-love is the first love and the most important.  So that is where I will start

The truth is thatrupaul-love yourself

If you aren’t already loving yourself truly, madly, deeply, now is the time to Start.  I used to love and celebrate myself… I forgot and stopped.

And I figured out how to begin.

How do I date myself, care for myself?

So, according to the ancient Greeks there are seven types of love.  These are:

Agape – the love of humanity

Storge – family love

Pragma – love which endures

Philautia – self-respect

Philia – shared experience

Ludus – flirting, playful affection

Eros – romantic and erotic love

My template in place, IF I was going to date myself I would find a way to fulfill each type of love.

Agape –   I would find a way to celebrate humanity.

When is the last time that you volunteered?  I could not answer that question.

It was so long ago. And while thought it was an excellent idea, I didn’t have time to find a place.

How else could I give to humanity?  Time to make a donation.

A cash donation to one charity and gently used clothes to another.

Even something as small as sending Valentines to all you love, will take you out of yourself and into the world.

So I have made a plan to give of myself, for Valentine’s Day.

Storge-   As a child, Valentine’s Day was fun and candy with family.

As a mother, I enjoyed assisting in the preparation of classroom valentines and showering my kids with sweet kisses and surprises.

My children have been my Valentines for some time and will continue to be.

Care packages and greeting cards.postage boxed

A gift and flowers for my Nana.

check and check!

Pragma– new knowledge has an enduring quality. A class or date with a book, there is something, many things that I have put off doing. Here is an excuse to move those back burner ideas to the front and center.

I am a big reader A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson and

We Should All be Feminist by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie  topped my list to re-read and – I just got

Push The Button by Feminista Jones.PTB cover

I have been wanting to travel and could use a new passport.

I have been wanting to learn how to write code and to learn French…

Philautia – this is a great time to treat myself to a spa day. A good mani- pedi- facial-massage or any combination thereof.  On a tight budget? How about a DIY spa day. I love pampering myself.

A DIY day of beauty. I need to be pampered and feel pretty. The right music, movie and wine and I will totally be in the mood. nails on fleek

Philia– Where my party people at?!?! You know your crew. Who is down for a party? Some of my best times are spent with friends catching up, at lunch or dinner.  Or rambling aimlessly through the Auto show? How many museums in Chicago are free during February?

Yep – the Auto Show and Museums. The Art Institute is one of my favorites, and the Chicago History Museum and the Field Museum are free weekdays in February.

Ludus – What would you do for your lover? What would you want a lover to do for you? These are the questions that I asked myself.  Do it for yourself!!  It is amazing to me that so often we balk at doing for ourselves what we would do for a lover.

I love lingerie and selfies – hint hint.  New  – probably red. red bra set yep!! pin up girl me.

Eros– part of being in love is vulnerability to passion.  When was the last time you dated and courted and seduced yourself?

(stop laughing!!

Not in the psychotic my boyfriend lives in Canada way. In a honestly I just enjoy my own company way.)

I could send myself a card, or write myself a letter about how much I love me… really… take a moment and really see and appreciate  myself.

I was flooded with questions!

What are my favorite flowers?tulips red vase

How old is my current sex toy and why do I have only one?

Do I own a Yoni Egg?  there are health benefits to using oneyomi egg

Hey, remember that article about sex jewelry?  google it!   Search G string jewelryg string jewelry

In an intimate relationship – I was the girlfriend who gave you something you could show your friends and something… that you… kept to yourself.

why should I be any different, any less with myself.

A nice piece of jewelry and I am good to go.  I am treating myself to a public gift and a private one.

Nudge nudge

wink wink

say no more!

Here is the bottom Line:

 Valentine’s Day alone will only make you sad if you let it.  It is a manufactured holiday… an excuse for a party.

It can be a celebration of You.

You are so special that a celebration of you could last a whole week.  And self–care is essential.

There is so much to most women.

So many facets that make up the whole.

Give to yourself for Valentine’s Day.

I know that I am going to. 10081_KandiSideEye