My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truth

Iyanla Vanzant talks about her relationship with her mother being strained.
she later learned that her biological mother had died after her birth and that the mother she had been told was her mother was in fact her stepmother and father’s second wife.
She used the phase

“my soul was not ignorant”

that really stuck a nerve with me.
as a newborn I was given by my unmarried mother to her married and childless sister.

I WAS AND AM SO LOVED.11329822_10205592593607229_2191374268122518787_n
my mother and father treated me with unabridged love and adoration. I was their PrincessRoyal. my aunt loved me with wild unabashed abandon.

but my soul knew she was my mother and all my loving caregivers said she was not.

I began to distrust my intuition and instincts.

I was so clearly wrong and confused.

My soul said “there are lies here. Secrets”

my loving doting family said that was not true.

is it any wonder that I loved and tolerated so many liars
having been so loved and well cared for by liars.

so when he said he loved me… and my soul said “BULLSHIT”
i believed him and stayed in spite/despite every instinct in my body screamed for me to

Dee at SMU “run, don’t walk – RUN TO THE NEAREST EXIT
do not pass go and fuck that $200.00”

in the time since I learned about the lies, I have given a lot of thought to
my life and the
people and
things I give the
time of day.

‘friends’ have fallen away and lovers have been turned away

my view of the world, while constantly evolving has been shaken to its very foundations

I have sought forgiveness and given it – to my self, from myself
My Soul is not ignorant and my heart is broken

I am bloodied and unbowed.

and now I know a lie when I hear it.

and I don’t feel the need to distrust my instincts

and I don’t mourn bullshit and cherish sadness

and I don’t cling to things that are bad for/to me

My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truthWIN_20150127_172443

To Repair With Gold

I recently learned that I am adopted.

Dee, Beckey, Alice and Doll (1961)
Dee, Beckye, Alice and Doll (1961)

secrets, shame, betrayal and lies
that’s the stuff of family ties
the more denial the tighter the tie
the bigger, the deeper the betrayal and lie”

I have begun a search in my life, for clarity, answers, truth and forgiveness. The elimination of shame and lies.
My whole concept of my family of origin had been a lie and it was someones bright idea to wait until I was over 50 years old and all the people involved, first hand participants are dead.

Mommy and Me (1985)
Mommy and Me (1985)
This is my mother, the woman who raised me.

I grew up and spent my entire life believing that I was she and my father’s only child and made all my decisions influenced by that knowledge.
I felt adored and protected by my parents and named two of my children in their honor.

Daddy, Me & Mommy
Daddy, Me & Mommy

Doll and Me (2004)
Doll and Me (2004)
This is my mother, the woman who gave birth to me.

I grew up, feeling loved and mentored by her. She was an ever present source of encouragement and direction.

The women in question are sisters. close, loving sisters and only death separated them in my life.

Doll and Beckye (1984)
Doll and Beckye (1984)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
One was pregnant and unmarried, the other was married and unable to get pregnant. And I was the ultimate gift, that they gve to each other. My grandmother, the mastermind behind it all.

And now on the day after my birthday, I begin the search for understanding and acceptance.

My creation story was a lie and those who can shed the light of truth on it are either unknown or dead or both.

I get that it was the 60’s and I know that at some point between 18 and 30 years of age there was an affirmative duty to tell me everything, if not before then.

Feeling, broken and betrayed I sought first to confirm the story.

The first revelation is that there are no secrets. Everybody knew but me. Everyone I have asked was aware and all are paused to learn that I didn’t. Of the nearly 15 people that I have asked, only 1 had no knowledge.

The second revelation is that people mean well and don’t want to speak ill of the dead and or family.

The third revelation is that this lie has colored every aspect of my life.

What I would like people to understand is that it is not just YOUR SECRET. and that it is not SACRED. and I wont take on your SHAME!

So while I truly feel broken by this experience and it changes the way i feel about my life and everyone in it…
I repair with Gold.
With Platinum, Dammit!
I will never be the same. I am even better!! ♥