To Repair With Gold

I recently learned that I am adopted.

Dee, Beckey, Alice and Doll (1961)
Dee, Beckye, Alice and Doll (1961)

secrets, shame, betrayal and lies
that’s the stuff of family ties
the more denial the tighter the tie
the bigger, the deeper the betrayal and lie”

I have begun a search in my life, for clarity, answers, truth and forgiveness. The elimination of shame and lies.
My whole concept of my family of origin had been a lie and it was someones bright idea to wait until I was over 50 years old and all the people involved, first hand participants are dead.

Mommy and Me (1985)
Mommy and Me (1985)
This is my mother, the woman who raised me.

I grew up and spent my entire life believing that I was she and my father’s only child and made all my decisions influenced by that knowledge.
I felt adored and protected by my parents and named two of my children in their honor.

Daddy, Me & Mommy
Daddy, Me & Mommy

Doll and Me (2004)
Doll and Me (2004)
This is my mother, the woman who gave birth to me.

I grew up, feeling loved and mentored by her. She was an ever present source of encouragement and direction.

The women in question are sisters. close, loving sisters and only death separated them in my life.

Doll and Beckye (1984)
Doll and Beckye (1984)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
One was pregnant and unmarried, the other was married and unable to get pregnant. And I was the ultimate gift, that they gve to each other. My grandmother, the mastermind behind it all.

And now on the day after my birthday, I begin the search for understanding and acceptance.

My creation story was a lie and those who can shed the light of truth on it are either unknown or dead or both.

I get that it was the 60’s and I know that at some point between 18 and 30 years of age there was an affirmative duty to tell me everything, if not before then.

Feeling, broken and betrayed I sought first to confirm the story.

The first revelation is that there are no secrets. Everybody knew but me. Everyone I have asked was aware and all are paused to learn that I didn’t. Of the nearly 15 people that I have asked, only 1 had no knowledge.

The second revelation is that people mean well and don’t want to speak ill of the dead and or family.

The third revelation is that this lie has colored every aspect of my life.

What I would like people to understand is that it is not just YOUR SECRET. and that it is not SACRED. and I wont take on your SHAME!

So while I truly feel broken by this experience and it changes the way i feel about my life and everyone in it…
I repair with Gold.
With Platinum, Dammit!
I will never be the same. I am even better!! ♥

Respectability Politics

On the subject of Respectability Politics

 

I am disturbed that the issue of respectability politic ha reared its ugly head again. This time I the Amen corner of the President’s new MY BROTHERS KEEPERS initiative. And don’t get me wrong, I know that they are in the Amen corner because I am there to see them – AMEN!

I have tweeted and posted before about the counter productivity of respectability politics and how it serves to divide and conquer. As a 50plus year old, I put on my respectability politics blinders and condemn young men who sag their pants and young women twerking, because the last thing I want to do is hear the voice of young people.

Being Respectable has not saved black people from murder, torture or rape. A suit and tie don’t stop a bullet or feed a family. It is the man or woman inside the suit of clothes that makes the difference, that does the work,  that we attempt to shame.

My thought on Respectability Politics today is profoundly sad and shame filled. For whom am I being respectable?  WHO AM I BEING RESPECTABLE FOR? There is a condition precedent that I am not enough as I am, that I have to clean up and act right in order to be safe in my community, have protectable rights and be safe in my skin.  How is my humanity not enough? My citizenship not sufficient?  That I must look better, be better, just to get permission to be?

Respectability politics has at its core an unforgivable and unbelievable concept. That we as black people have to EARN the right to exist.  That we s black people have to prove our humanity and worthiness to exist.  That we must seek permission to be accepted as full citizens and human beings. That the basis of white supremacy is correct, as a black person, I as all other black people are fundamentally inferior to white in particular and nonblack in general.  Those of us who reject that premise are odd, crazy and must be tamed or silenced.

Well enough, I don’t buy it and if you buy it have bought it I ask that you give it some thought… because it is all BULLSHIT!!