Betrayal and Abandonment

being BETRAYED sucks big.
partly because you trusted the person and let them close enough to betray you
when there appears to be a pattern – you have to ask yourself, “why Me?”
for ME the answer is that I started it.
I BETRAYED ME FIRST

not caring for me first, not making me a priority
being silent when I should speak
settling for less when I should have demanded MORE
compromising… when I should have walked away

if I have issues with abandonment it is because I abandoned me first.
made do. made nice. kept up appearances…

well…
done and done

editing my life 

I was never taught to edit my life.

I collected and accumulated as if quantity was the same as quality.
Here is the thing about this summer.

I meditated on getting Crazy out of my life.
I meditated on dumbing myself down in the world in order to get along.
I meditated on being true to myself and my beliefs.
Perhaps it is that then events of the last couple of years have me on edge.
Perhaps it is as I was told at 27. I don’t suffer fools gladly.
I have no tolerance for liars. That includes manipulation and distortion.
I have no patience with stupidity and ignorance. You have a duty to educate yourself.
I abhor racism and sexism.

I am a Black Woman who has earned respect and courtesy. And even if I didn’t, I am a human being.
I don’t tolerate or indulge privilege. If you are fragile and need you white or male or light skin or cis or Christian or ableist privilege.

Go somewhere else’s with that fuckery.

A Friend’s Betrayal

A friends Betrayal.

“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.”

― Confucius

I recently learned about a betrayal by a close and dear friend. betrayal quote

I recently learned that a friend told other friends of mine that I was adopted when I had no idea that I was adopted.

I really want you to take a moment to picture this.

Joan told Maureen that she knew that my aunt was, in fact, my biological mother.

Maureen asked how could that be and Joan said older people in her family knew older members of my family.

And no one told me.

kelly confused

It saddens me so. Because I cared for her and trusted her. I have to question her need to control information. It gave her a sense of power and control and for reasons I will never know… she needed that.

It enrages me because she had this information when my biological mother was alive and I could have gotten some answers and closure. She was aware of my biological mother’s illness and impending death.

Arguably, she was not under a duty to tell me what she knew, about me.  But, how do you tell others and not tell me? That is some straight up BULLSHIT.

The other thing for me is that both Joan and Maureen hold themselves to be spiritual and religious people.

The Golden Rule applies here, where?

olivia coffe sip

One thing is that I am clear about is that I have been attracted to a great number of liars in my life.

I have been drawn to people who tell you some twisted version of the truth and tell you that they love you and that is over as is my lack of personal boundaries.

When you are raised in a lie… there is familiarity with lies and liars that develops.

And when you survive that lie…  well we will see.

kerry washington fuck you smile

To Repair With Gold

I recently learned that I am adopted.

Dee, Beckey, Alice and Doll (1961)
Dee, Beckye, Alice and Doll (1961)

secrets, shame, betrayal and lies
that’s the stuff of family ties
the more denial the tighter the tie
the bigger, the deeper the betrayal and lie”

I have begun a search in my life, for clarity, answers, truth and forgiveness. The elimination of shame and lies.
My whole concept of my family of origin had been a lie and it was someones bright idea to wait until I was over 50 years old and all the people involved, first hand participants are dead.

Mommy and Me (1985)
Mommy and Me (1985)
This is my mother, the woman who raised me.

I grew up and spent my entire life believing that I was she and my father’s only child and made all my decisions influenced by that knowledge.
I felt adored and protected by my parents and named two of my children in their honor.

Daddy, Me & Mommy
Daddy, Me & Mommy

Doll and Me (2004)
Doll and Me (2004)
This is my mother, the woman who gave birth to me.

I grew up, feeling loved and mentored by her. She was an ever present source of encouragement and direction.

The women in question are sisters. close, loving sisters and only death separated them in my life.

Doll and Beckye (1984)
Doll and Beckye (1984)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
One was pregnant and unmarried, the other was married and unable to get pregnant. And I was the ultimate gift, that they gve to each other. My grandmother, the mastermind behind it all.

And now on the day after my birthday, I begin the search for understanding and acceptance.

My creation story was a lie and those who can shed the light of truth on it are either unknown or dead or both.

I get that it was the 60’s and I know that at some point between 18 and 30 years of age there was an affirmative duty to tell me everything, if not before then.

Feeling, broken and betrayed I sought first to confirm the story.

The first revelation is that there are no secrets. Everybody knew but me. Everyone I have asked was aware and all are paused to learn that I didn’t. Of the nearly 15 people that I have asked, only 1 had no knowledge.

The second revelation is that people mean well and don’t want to speak ill of the dead and or family.

The third revelation is that this lie has colored every aspect of my life.

What I would like people to understand is that it is not just YOUR SECRET. and that it is not SACRED. and I wont take on your SHAME!

So while I truly feel broken by this experience and it changes the way i feel about my life and everyone in it…
I repair with Gold.
With Platinum, Dammit!
I will never be the same. I am even better!! ♥