My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truth

Iyanla Vanzant talks about her relationship with her mother being strained.
she later learned that her biological mother had died after her birth and that the mother she had been told was her mother was in fact her stepmother and father’s second wife.
She used the phase

“my soul was not ignorant”

that really stuck a nerve with me.
as a newborn I was given by my unmarried mother to her married and childless sister.

I WAS AND AM SO LOVED.11329822_10205592593607229_2191374268122518787_n
my mother and father treated me with unabridged love and adoration. I was their PrincessRoyal. my aunt loved me with wild unabashed abandon.

but my soul knew she was my mother and all my loving caregivers said she was not.

I began to distrust my intuition and instincts.

I was so clearly wrong and confused.

My soul said “there are lies here. Secrets”

my loving doting family said that was not true.

is it any wonder that I loved and tolerated so many liars
having been so loved and well cared for by liars.

so when he said he loved me… and my soul said “BULLSHIT”
i believed him and stayed in spite/despite every instinct in my body screamed for me to

Dee at SMU “run, don’t walk – RUN TO THE NEAREST EXIT
do not pass go and fuck that $200.00”

in the time since I learned about the lies, I have given a lot of thought to
my life and the
people and
things I give the
time of day.

‘friends’ have fallen away and lovers have been turned away

my view of the world, while constantly evolving has been shaken to its very foundations

I have sought forgiveness and given it – to my self, from myself
My Soul is not ignorant and my heart is broken

I am bloodied and unbowed.

and now I know a lie when I hear it.

and I don’t feel the need to distrust my instincts

and I don’t mourn bullshit and cherish sadness

and I don’t cling to things that are bad for/to me

My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truthWIN_20150127_172443

familial forgiveness

these are pictures of my biological mother who I was told was my aunt over 50 years of my life. I found these pictures going through some things that I salvaged from her home that her husband’s children ransacked.young doll

that is when the chest pains started.

I realize now that I am heart broken. that I weep for me and for her. I weep for my lovely mother who raised me. I weep for them just as much as I rage at them for keeping vital information from me.

I realize that I have to un break my heart… all by myself. because they are dead. And because they – each – in her own way – gave me all the tools I need to un break my own heart.
to free myself from the chains of shame and propriety and fear that kept them at dis-ease and killed them.

I look at these pictures and see myself and my daughteryoung doll2
I see a woman who loved me and her sister who raised me without hesitation

and I forgive all of us for not being perfect

A Friend’s Betrayal

A friends Betrayal.

“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.”

― Confucius

I recently learned about a betrayal by a close and dear friend. betrayal quote

I recently learned that a friend told other friends of mine that I was adopted when I had no idea that I was adopted.

I really want you to take a moment to picture this.

Joan told Maureen that she knew that my aunt was, in fact, my biological mother.

Maureen asked how could that be and Joan said older people in her family knew older members of my family.

And no one told me.

kelly confused

It saddens me so. Because I cared for her and trusted her. I have to question her need to control information. It gave her a sense of power and control and for reasons I will never know… she needed that.

It enrages me because she had this information when my biological mother was alive and I could have gotten some answers and closure. She was aware of my biological mother’s illness and impending death.

Arguably, she was not under a duty to tell me what she knew, about me.  But, how do you tell others and not tell me? That is some straight up BULLSHIT.

The other thing for me is that both Joan and Maureen hold themselves to be spiritual and religious people.

The Golden Rule applies here, where?

olivia coffe sip

One thing is that I am clear about is that I have been attracted to a great number of liars in my life.

I have been drawn to people who tell you some twisted version of the truth and tell you that they love you and that is over as is my lack of personal boundaries.

When you are raised in a lie… there is familiarity with lies and liars that develops.

And when you survive that lie…  well we will see.

kerry washington fuck you smile

To Repair With Gold

I recently learned that I am adopted.

Dee, Beckey, Alice and Doll (1961)
Dee, Beckye, Alice and Doll (1961)

secrets, shame, betrayal and lies
that’s the stuff of family ties
the more denial the tighter the tie
the bigger, the deeper the betrayal and lie”

I have begun a search in my life, for clarity, answers, truth and forgiveness. The elimination of shame and lies.
My whole concept of my family of origin had been a lie and it was someones bright idea to wait until I was over 50 years old and all the people involved, first hand participants are dead.

Mommy and Me (1985)
Mommy and Me (1985)
This is my mother, the woman who raised me.

I grew up and spent my entire life believing that I was she and my father’s only child and made all my decisions influenced by that knowledge.
I felt adored and protected by my parents and named two of my children in their honor.

Daddy, Me & Mommy
Daddy, Me & Mommy

Doll and Me (2004)
Doll and Me (2004)
This is my mother, the woman who gave birth to me.

I grew up, feeling loved and mentored by her. She was an ever present source of encouragement and direction.

The women in question are sisters. close, loving sisters and only death separated them in my life.

Doll and Beckye (1984)
Doll and Beckye (1984)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
Alice (Nana) Selma (Doll) Katherine (Beckye)
One was pregnant and unmarried, the other was married and unable to get pregnant. And I was the ultimate gift, that they gve to each other. My grandmother, the mastermind behind it all.

And now on the day after my birthday, I begin the search for understanding and acceptance.

My creation story was a lie and those who can shed the light of truth on it are either unknown or dead or both.

I get that it was the 60’s and I know that at some point between 18 and 30 years of age there was an affirmative duty to tell me everything, if not before then.

Feeling, broken and betrayed I sought first to confirm the story.

The first revelation is that there are no secrets. Everybody knew but me. Everyone I have asked was aware and all are paused to learn that I didn’t. Of the nearly 15 people that I have asked, only 1 had no knowledge.

The second revelation is that people mean well and don’t want to speak ill of the dead and or family.

The third revelation is that this lie has colored every aspect of my life.

What I would like people to understand is that it is not just YOUR SECRET. and that it is not SACRED. and I wont take on your SHAME!

So while I truly feel broken by this experience and it changes the way i feel about my life and everyone in it…
I repair with Gold.
With Platinum, Dammit!
I will never be the same. I am even better!! ♥