being BETRAYED sucks big.
partly because you trusted the person and let them close enough to betray you
when there appears to be a pattern – you have to ask yourself, “why Me?”
for ME the answer is that I started it.
I BETRAYED ME FIRST
not caring for me first, not making me a priority
being silent when I should speak
settling for less when I should have demanded MORE
compromising… when I should have walked away
if I have issues with abandonment it is because I abandoned me first.
made do. made nice. kept up appearances…
done and done
I was never taught to edit my life.
I collected and accumulated as if quantity was the same as quality.
Here is the thing about this summer.
I meditated on getting Crazy out of my life.
I meditated on dumbing myself down in the world in order to get along.
I meditated on being true to myself and my beliefs.
Perhaps it is that then events of the last couple of years have me on edge.
Perhaps it is as I was told at 27. I don’t suffer fools gladly.
I have no tolerance for liars. That includes manipulation and distortion.
I have no patience with stupidity and ignorance. You have a duty to educate yourself.
I abhor racism and sexism.
I am a Black Woman who has earned respect and courtesy. And even if I didn’t, I am a human being.
I don’t tolerate or indulge privilege. If you are fragile and need you white or male or light skin or cis or Christian or ableist privilege.
Go somewhere else’s with that fuckery.
So, I am reading the #IfIdieInPoliceCustody thread on Twitter.
my eyes are sweating and my face wet.
I cant process the level of inhumanity directed at my people and our MAGNIFICENT ability to THRIVE in the face of constant and undeserved oppression.
#ifIdieinPoliceCustody Know that I was murdered. Know that I reek of racial, cultural, familial and personal pride and they could smell it on me and like MAD DOGS they tried to destroy it.
Know that I did everything I could to survive
Know they I want you to do everything EVERYTHING possible to avenge my death and obtain justice
Know that I have never NEVER accepted second class citizenship or humanity and dont want you to either.
DONT MAKE ANY EXCUSES
PERSON THE FUCK UP
PLAY STRANGE FRUIT AT MY SERVICE
#IfIDIEinPoliceCustody SET IT OFF!! scorched earth
make sure that I and the very last person it happens to.
Do all abusive relationships follow the same patterns and arcs?
as a Black Woman my abusive relationship with White America feels very similar to the abusive marriage i was in.
the unreasonable and unattainable standards appearance and behavior for acceptance and affection
excuses for double standards and lack of equality
justification and rationalizations of poor treatment, violence and abuse
demands for peace and forgiveness that are really demanding silence and acquiescence as well as approval and acceptance of mistreatment
As a black woman whenever someone steps to me with an argument on why I should diminish myself, shrink myself, limit myself. Whenever someone comes to me with the discussion that demands that I settle, compromise or otherwise minimize my vision.
I take a deep, I take a moment, and I ask myself why? What is the motivation of any human being that demands that in order for me to be happy, I must be less than what I am, less than what God made me, express fewer of the gifts that make me unique? What doctrine or dogma,that is truly about living your best life possible,being who you truly are meant to be, improving the human condition, would ever tell you to shrink yourself to limit yourself?
I’m in the process of this inquiry, without fail, I come to realize that the person espousing the limitations of me, is living in constant fear they are not all they’re cracked up to be and in order to feel better about themselves,their gender, their race, they have to attack me my gender, my race.
I Woke Like Dis!!!
I truly,truly, truly, take exception to men who speak to women on how to be better women! I am not saying that a man cannot tell, show, help a woman to be a better woman at all. I am saying that I sincerely question the motivations intent desire goals of a man who presumes to understand my journey as a woman well enough.
Especially those who hide behind their alleged interpretation/understanding of the biblical or other religious scripture as a basis for telling me how to be a woman.
As one who has been beaten up by men, literally and figuratively, wielding a Bible, as the justification for abusive, domineering, manipulative, controlling behavior, I have found that if they cannot defend, define or otherwise describe their behavior toward me or any other woman within the confines of the golden rule, then it is highly likely, if not absolute, that their position is indefensible.
Are you saying to me, what you would want said to you? Are you saying to me what you believe applies to you? Are you saying to me, are you treating me, the way you would want your mother, wife, daughter, sister treated and if you cannot answer all those questions in the affirmative then you need to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down