I haven’t had the best luck…

when I have been the most vulnerable, the most heartbroken, the most lonely…

I have been alone. no one heard my cries, not even Jesus.

I don’t do well picking people to be my friend.

because when my eyes have run dry from weeping,
my throat hoarse from wailing….

I was told “i wasnt there for you because you are so strong, you didnt need me.”

I dont call the right people, when I am on the edge, struggling to hold on. hold on to hope, to love to life…

I end up dry heaving, and hurting on top of hurting on top of hurting.

calling for my mother and
begging the pain to go away.
frantically asking myself what i did to be so very unlovable,
Arent I smart,
kind,
pretty,
enough for somebogy to care.
To love me back
To hold me and tell me that I would be okay
That tomorrow was another day that tings would get better.

and there is no touch.
no smile
no kind word.

and I want to give up, because I hate the hurting


“fuck those mutha fukkas”

what?

“dont give them the satisfaction”

it hurts. I am hurting

“he doesnt deserve your tears’

i’m tired

“fuck her, the horse she rode in on.”

and her little cat fluffy

“thats right! they are blind to your light, love… fuck em let them die without out it”

but I am lonely

“love yourself”

I am sad

“Love Yourself, make you Happy”

I am hurting

“Heal yourself, make yourself happy”

I am tired

” sit here – look back for a moment. Look at all you have been through, all that you have survived. you a Bad Bitch!”

kinda

” Look at all you built, you a Boss Ass Bitch! you took leftover shit and fashioned it into gold”

yeah

” treachery, betrayal, lies, secrets, cunning, duplicity, violence – and you are still standing”

bloodied…

“yes – bloodied and UNBOWED, UNBOUGHT, UNBROKEN, UNBOSSED”

alone

“RIDE OR DIE for YOU, the way you do for others, forgive yourself and learn the lesson and move the fuck on – Look forward and NEVER LOOK BACK AGAIN”

alone?

“if need be – dont compromise and settle for bullshit, dont be nice, hopping others will like you. DEMAND WHAT YOU WANT, KNOW YOUR WORTH AND DONT TAKE A PENNY LESS”

#TeamMe

“thats right – #TeamDee”

 

I haven’t had the best luck…

when I have been the most vulnerable, the most heartbroken, the most lonely…

I have been alone. no one heard my cries, not even Jesus.

I don’t do well picking people to be my friend.

because when my eyes have run dry from weeping, my throat hoarse from wailing….
I was told “i wasnt there for you because you are so strong, you didnt need me.”

I dont call the right people, when I am on the edge, struggling to hold on. hold on to hope, to love to life…

i end up dry heaving, and hurting on top of hurting on top of hurting.

calling for my mother and
begging the pain to go away.
frantically asking myself what i did to be so very unlovable,
wasnt i smart
kind
pretty enough fo somebogy to care.
to love me back
to hold me and tell me that I would be okay
that tomorrow was another day that tings would get better.

and there is no touch. no smile no kind word.

and I want to give up, because I hate the hurting
“fuck those mutha fukkas”
what?
“dont give them the satisfaction”
it hurts
“he doesnt deserve your tears’
i’m tired
“fuck her the horse she rode in on.
and her little cat fluffy
“thats right! they are blind to your light, love… fuck em let them die without out it”
but I am lonely
“love yourself”
I am sad
“Love Yourself, make you Happy”
I am hurting
“Heal yourself, make yourself happy”
I am tired
” sit here – look back for a moment. Look at all you have been through, all that you have survived. you a Bad Bitch!”
kinda
” Look at all you built, you a Boss Ass Bitch! you took leftover shit and fashioned it into gold”
yeah
” treachery, betrayal, lies, secrets, cunning, duplicity, violence – and you are still standing”
bloodied…
“yes – bloodied and UNBOWED, UNBOUGHT, UNBROKEN, UNBOSSED”
alone
“RIDE OR DIE for YOU, the way you do for others, forgive yourself and learn the lesson and move the fuck on”

 

 

Author: pdeedixon

Woman. Mother. Lawyer. Black. RaceWoman. Womanist. Feminist. LBGTQQPIA ally. divorced

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