I have to contemplate a thought.
Growing up I was fed huge lie which went directly to the court with me, my identity.
I spent my life living out that lie.
I rarely questioned it.
This is what we do, this is who we are, this is how we dress, this is how we act.
it was a very very rigid role and my identity was tied to it because I was a part of that group.
Failure to adhere to the role was disloyalty.
I didn’t appreciate all that had been done for me, all that I was given, by virtue of this membership, in this particular group, in this family, if I did not pay undying and attentive loyalty.
I was a traitor or compatriot. Then I learned that the role was based upon a lie. An horrible, hateful, hurtful lie.

So now my mind my heart must wrestle with the notion of who is the traitor, now.
who is disloyal, now?
if I had been given all of the information that I have now, would I have it adhered to the role.
Or modified it.
Or thrown it out all together. And knowing what I know now, do I pretend that it doesn’t matter and stay with the role because it’s known inconvenient?
do I modified in someway?
do I throw it all out and start all over?
I kind of feel a birthday coming on.
I could be a fall birthday baby this time.
Somewhere I read, I saw, I heard
“it’s never too late to figure out who you might’ve been” put that together with “this is your life, not a dress rehearsal.
you only get one, but if you do it right, the one is all you need.”
yeah I’m kind of feeling that fall birthday this time!

Author: pdeedixon

Woman. Mother. Lawyer. Black. RaceWoman. Womanist. Feminist. LBGTQQPIA ally. divorced

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