I have spent my life settling.
Told to not make wakes, not speak up.
Be a good girl. good girls go along, make do, compromise and do for others.
And if you are a good enough girl one day some day someone will care for you will love you will listen to you. You have to be pretty enough, kind enough, sexy enough to be loved.
if you are not loved it is your fault. you didn’t do enough, weren’t good enough.
And I look at my life and I see what settling for sorry ass men and friends has gotten me.
And I look around my life and I see what never putting my self has gotten me.
And I look around my life and see what following others plan for my life and not my own has gotten me
And I look around my life and see what believing the lies of others and not listening to my truth has gotten me.
and I say no. NO! I scream NOOO! at the top of my lungs, with all my might. I scream NOOOOOOO! my lungs ache and heart beats in my ears so loudly I cant hear my voice
I wail and moan
No more going along.
no more being your victim
I throw things, I bash and break it all
no no no no no no more BULLSHIT
No more giving and not getting
No More BULLSHIT
and I feel the push back – resistance and anger at the change
go ahead – try it. try to guilt/shame or force me into making you comfortable
go ahead!! push your fear on me. sell me your crazy. go ahead and try.
there i so much rage and anger here, waiting for an outlet… go ahead… I wish a mutha fukka would.